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Blog 53

Tough love part 3

Discipline and Boundaries

I have observed one of the most interesting trends these days, is that parents let their children do anything they like, and give them whatever they want. This seems on paper a good thing; this will grow independence, self esteem, they can make decisions for themselves, but the truth is it seems to have a few major draw backs. One of these is that when you ask the child to do something they don’t especially want to do, they don’t do it even if it involves their own safety. Young children don’t have much awareness of perceived danger as they don’t have the wisdom of age on their side. This can prove difficult if what you want them to do would prevent placing themselves in danger and they don’t listen to you. Children generally don’t have the discernment of an adults experience to make informed choices, especially as that in this stage of their development they are still in the primal stage of ‘It’s all about me and getting what I want stage, getting my needs met.’

I have witnessed parents pleading with their children, trying to get them to do something and the child ignoring them, or kids that know if they make enough noise they will get what ‘they want’ in the end. I have heard parents say ‘no you can’t have those lollies and watched the kid scream, stomp their feet, throw tantrums and then watched the parent give in and give them the lollies. What message is that giving the child?

If you make a lot of noise and create a big scene then you will get what you want?

How many times as an adult does this sort of behaviour get you results?

It would get you some attention but may not get you what you want.

We as adults may have learnt how to say how we feel but as a child does not necessarily know how they feel, except cold hungry and tired, let alone express inner feelings in words. So this leads into the next subject which involves boundaries:

The great debate about boundaries.

Too firm and the kids can’t move, too loose and the kids are out of control.

Where is the magic happy medium?

Now one of the ways a child can get attention is to misbehave. ‘Any attention is better than none’, theory. I think sometimes we give way to much credit for a child to actually know what we are saying, let alone know what we really mean, as they haven’t had the wisdom of life experience and understanding. They are still in the conscious level of wanting love, food, sleep and what is it that makes me feel happy. Not understanding the consequences of their actions or even knowing what that even really means.

Boundaries where is the happy medium?

Is there such a place? We have already talked about that every child is different so the the boundaries must be different. It’s logic to presume they are, but maybe we need to firstly discuss what the boundaries are really for. It might not be just to keep the children uunder control or safe maybe it is for the child’s own feeling of security, confidence and self acceptance?

I have witnessed the parenting style of very strict discipline and boundaries. I have watched the child fall into two distinct behaviour patterns. The first is the “Conformer Child,” this is the child that does everything to please their parents to get love and acceptance. This creates an interesting dynamic with these children the old ‘If I’m good I get love, if I’m bad I get rejected’. This is linked as the origin of the ‘people pleaser’. This is the ‘If I’m good to people, they will like me scenario, but remember what really drives this is the need to be loved and accepted. Pretty much the basic need of all humanity. Now the other pattern is the “Rebel’ this is the f…k you I will do it my own way. You don’t know what I need, you are wrong; I know what is right for me.

Boy, we know what this child looks like.

But there is a beautiful piece of truth in this and that this character just wants to stand up and tell people how they feel. This is great. The problem is that it comes from a child with little or no life experience and understanding of consequence. This child has no awareness of how the human race communicates, compromises and conforms to basic moral codes of human relationships; so that there is peace and harmony in the world.

The children don’t have a sense of the need for respect for everyone’s differences so we can cohabitate as a species in this world, but you have to wonder when you look at some countries around the world whether the adults have got this yet either!

If we look at countries, they have boundaries or borders and these are to keep the people safe, not only to stop people getting in, but also to stop the people getting out.

Here is an interesting fact, in America the “land of the so called free” that a huge percentage, I’m not sure of the exact percentage but definitely over 60 percent have never been out of their own state and that something like 95% Americans don’t have a passport, they just don’t travel.  What belief or story has created this mindset?

The land of the free but they don’t venture out?

So back to setting child boundaries.

I heard one parent say if you are too hard on your kids and set boundaries the child won’t like you. When was it ever the goal of parenting to get your children to like you?  I think now with a bit of time and wisdom behind me it’s about helping the child’s needs, when they are unable to attend to themselves.  To feed, cloth, keep warm, dry, help when sick, to love, educate and teach the child ways of the world.  To teach them how to survive and then set them free to have their own life experience. With a good set of moral codes, confidence, and independence; a good sense of the world and awareness of our society. Being your child’s primary support person always offering them the open door if they ever need help or support in their younger days after they have left the nest.  As they get older they need less and less support as their own wisdom and life experience grows.  They will always have love and respect for the people who raised, cared for them and helped them in their younger years.  Parents will always love and support their children as they brought them in to this world and have an energetic connection to them.

No, unfortunately this is not a perfect world. I know this is not necessary so in many cases. Boundaries keep a child safe but not necessary in the way you may think.

I had a wise man explain it to me one day like this:

There is an Island which was flat on top and it has high cliffs all around it.

The parents and the child are in the centre of the Island.  If there are no boundaries the child ventures out, but not too far for the fear of the unknown constantly checking with the parent on how far they can go. Constantly checking where the parents say “no”. So everywhere from here to where my parent says “no” is safe.  If the parent doesn’t say no or the boundaries aren’t firm the child does not feel safe.  So they keep pushing trying to find where the boundaries are.  So in theory the fewer boundaries and discipline, the less secure they feel.  So if the parent put a big high strong fence up around the cliff top the child knows where the boundary is and it’s solid. They now can be free to move, play and venture inside these boundaries.  This in fact gives the child more freedom than having no boundaries.

I love the concept of this and understand the methodology.

I believe boundaries and discipline are so important, basically to save the child from themselves as they don’t have the understanding, wisdom and foresight to know what they are really doing.  I’m not saying that there aren’t some very wise children, but they are naïve in the world and need educating, protection and sometimes protection from their own ignorance; no matter how much they think they know everything.

We never want to dampen there enthusiasm, just guide and direct them subtly with love and understanding.

I hope some of these ideas will help you as parents.  They are just some ideas I have picked up along the way of being a parent.

Cheers Pete C.

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