Blog 58 – Driven by not wanting to feel a negative emotion
Sometimes I noticed myself not wanting to feel a negative emotion and this is driving me more than the need to feel a positive emotion. I will give you an example of this that happens sometimes when I want to be happy and I do things more because I don’t want to be sad. This sounds like a strange thing to say, but sometimes the real reason why we do things is not being driven by what it appears at that time.
Tony Robbins says that people will do anything to avoid feeling the pain of negative emotions and that is what drives most people. I found this is a difficult concept to understand initially but now it makes sense, and looking at my own life I see how this has played out.
I remember when I was younger that I wanted people to like me, so I used to please people so they would like me. It wasn’t driven by wanting people to like me but it was really driven by the fact I didn’t want to be unloved.
This is the same with money. That quite often I am driven to make more money not because of the feeling of joy of having money but by the feeling that comes by not having any money. The feeling of emptiness, the fear of failure, the fear of not being successful. The problem with this is that if you are driven by a negative feeling, or not wanting to feel a negative feeling, then by the Law of Attraction, if what is driving you is the fear or lack of money, then what you create is more lack of money or more fear.
Sometimes that is what gets people out of bed in the mornings to go to work. It’s not because they want to go to work, but because of what it would feel like if you didn’t. How we change this of course is to do things for a positive reason, make money because you want to feel the joy of financial freedom. I have observed in myself and others, that this also comes ups with matters around Love. Sometimes I want to be loved and it’s more that I don’t want to experience the feeling of being unloved. I think this is one of the worst feelings in the world and they have proved this with babies who were born without mothers in orphanages and who are never given love. They faded away and sadly died. But the children that were loved and held everyday thrived and survived.
It is a natural born need of every human being, to feel loved. But as I said in my last blog, it is difficult to want to be loved by somebody and to give them the power of how you feel. So it’s back to feeling loved by yourself.
Quite an interesting thing to do is to ask yourself when you are doing something, What is my motivation here? Why am I doing the things that I’m doing right now? Sometimes it’s not what it appears to be. This ability to observe our motivations and our actions, I believe makes us more confident about our behavior and why we do the things we do. It’s a certain type of freedom, and a step closer in knowing our true self.
So I encourage you to have a look at your actions and what’s driving them and to make more of a conscious choice.
Cheers Pete C
Blog 57- Do you give the power of how you feel to someone else?
Why do we give the power of how we feel to someone else?
This is a great and complicated question, which I have been asking myself. If I want somebody to love me, to make me feel wanted, loved and appreciated, respected, accepted, then they become the holder of the keys to whether I feel happy or not. I give them the power, I give them the control. I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want to rely on somebody else loving me for me to feel ok.
What if they are having a bad day, or somebody has been treating them badly or unkind, are they then going to turn around and give you love, kindness and attention? Probably not, they will probably be feeling empty themselves, and now I feel unloved & uncared for because they can’t give me what I want or need. It doesn’t seem logical to give them my sense of self esteem. To give them the control over that. So whether it is my children or partner or parents, it doesn’t seem like a good idea to give them the power of how I feel.
I can see myself being constantly disappointed hurt and lonely. So how do we take it back, this power we have given away? How do we get back the control of how we feel? Easy! Refuse to give the power of how you feel to someone else. Know that you are the only person that is in charge of how you feel. Start loving yourself, love your character, love the different parts of your personality – love your body as it is the one you where given, love your own style, love your creativity, love your sense of humour, love the food you like. But most of all love and accept the things you don’t like about yourself. The inner child that’s spits the dummy when you don’t get what you want or feel put down or rejected, or ignored and love the part of you who reacts to these things by attacking the person who makes you feel like that. Or the person who makes you react like that.
Even though on a higher level, nobody can make you do anything, it’s your reaction to them, your choice. Nobody can make you angry, you make yourself angry, or you react angrily to them. Love the part that judges other actions, love the part that judges your own actions, love the part of you that sometimes wishes everyone would just go away.
It is often the things we don’t tolerate in others because we don’t tolerate them in ourselves.
It is hard to love ourselves unconditional even though we want others to accept and love us unconditionally. Maybe if we could love ourselves unconditionally then we wouldn’t judge ourselves.
I have observed this myself and in my own actions, that the more I accept myself for who I really am, the good and the not so good bits and see them as not good or bad but just parts of my personality, and that I’m not perfect; then the judgement of others has subsided and the acceptance of others has grown. I realise we are all just doing the best we can in the chaos, and because we are all so different from each other, how can I judge another anyway?
It’s like comparing apples and a grapes, they are both fruits. But that’s about all.
So now I take back the power of how I feel, I have the choice and I feel a little more content.
Cheers Pete C
Blog 56 – What’s the Problem?
I was brought up thinking problems are a negative thing, but now as an adult I have to wonder is that true? Sometimes the times of my biggest problems have also been the times of my biggest growth. From the problem, to a solution, to change, to growth.
I’m not saying that you should consciously invite problems into your life, I don’t think we have to worry about that – I think they are coming already whether you want them or not.
Imagine a world without problems, perfect job, perfect partner, perfect kids, and the perfect life. The novelty would be ok for a while and then guess what would happen?
If everything was that perfect it would drive you insane.
Heavens, I’m a man, I wouldn’t have anything to fix, no problems to solve. As I say it, it maybe ok for awhile but eventually it would drive me crazy just sitting twiddling my thumbs.
In life there seems to be a cycle: from the problem, to the solution to change and then change creates more problems and so it goes on.
It is hard to see the positive in some problems, but why did we get this problem in the first place? Maybe it is the solution that is the problem, we may not like the way it has to be resolved. So maybe we need to create better quality problems.
Examples of quality problems are:
Starting a new job, or starting a new family, or a new relationship, moving house or flats. Leaving a relationship or having to confront somebody or communicate with somebody who is difficult to talk to; and one of the major growth quality problems is asking somebody for help. These problems are opportunities to grow, they are advantageous problems.
Safe problems are within our control. Like depression, putting things off, food & addictions, hesitation, blaming others for your troubles, avoiding making decisions, withdrawing from relationships. (Some of these I got from Anthony Robbins). Safe problems seem to be safe but they are really keeping us from emotions and fear we try to avoid. But of course the safe problems cause more pain & hardship than quality problems. Sometimes we will create a safe problem that’s in our control to cover up a problem which we don’t have control of. Such as drinking alcohol, instead of dealing with the quality problem of not being happy in a relationship.
I see problems as a gift, the gift to discover the meaning behind them.
Problems have power.
Problems create movement.
They sometimes involve stepping up, getting out of our comfort zones.
Excelling, courage, determination, great thought processes, self discovery, will power, bravery, creativity, resolve, speaking your truth speaking out, being seen, these all seem pretty good outcomes to me.
Pushing through the resistance to the problem.
It always seems to be a bit of a challenge but it builds character.
So roll on the problems, quality problems. Roll on the growth, roll on the adventure.
Cheers Pete C.
You have to have a vehicle to get out
Get out of what, that’s a good question, what are we in that we need to get out of anyway? What I’m meaning is getting out of seeing life a certain way. Seeing life through our own story of what we think life is about or see life through our glasses, through our filter, through our beliefs. You might ask what’s wrong with that, and the answer is nothing; the only problem is that everybody else has a different pair of glasses on. So their story of how life is, is different to yours. Now the question is, is there a right or wrong way to see life or is it just our personal view we only see? It seems hard to see someone else’s ‘point of view’ when it comes from what we think they mean, as we are not in their head or shoes. It reminds me of an exercise we did once on one of my Taiji Retreats. We were on the beach and we made foot prints in the sand and then someone else walked on your foot prints. It was a weird experience, to walk in someone else’s footsteps. It was like discovering a different aspect of the other person we didn’t know. It felt strange-it was like living in someone else’s life. It made me think how different we all see the world.
So back to the vehicles. What vehicle or process or practice, or teaching can we employ to help break free from our stories? Our stories about life that might be limiting us, about money, about success and happiness. About what a good relationship looks like, about what good parents look like, how good friends should act, or what good leaders act like.
About what money is for or what children are for or what Governments and politics are for? What armies and churches are for? What school teachers are for? What wars are for?
We may have stories about what we are here for, our purpose, our gifts. But are any of these true or did we just make up all these points of view, ideals, beliefs, opinions? Or did we as children just agree with what other people told us or taught us, or role modelled to us? People like our parents, relatives and teachers etc.
So who are we under these stories?
What do we really feel like? What do we really like and dislike?
If there were no people in the world, what would you act like, what would you do as an occupation?
How important would money be?
I better get my pilots licence or I wouldn’t be able to travel which I love.
Mind you, I could drive a boat; it might just take me a while to get to Europe though.
But this is not the vehicle I’m talking about either.
It is the vehicle to see past our stories of how we think life should be. How do we see past the capitalist system and see the control it has over people, see past the consumerism where people try to convince you that you need to buy things to be happy. To see past owning your own home is one of the major goals in life which is driven by the banks, so you pay them interest for 30 or even more years. And banks are owned by very wealthy people and they use the magic words ‘Its security’.
Security from what? Ask the people in Christchurch if they feel secure in their homes or what about another group of interesting people who use ‘fear’ to advertise their business. ‘You could lose all your precious stuff. Something could happen to your car or your house, your camera, your phone. So you better give us large quantities of your money and we will protect you.’ But when something happens we will try to find every loop hole or cause, not to pay you.
It’s like travel insurance, insurance for you or your lost bags. You pay them money to transport yourself and your bags to a destination and they lose your bags and it’s not their fault. Yeah right! You better pay us flight insurance as we are so inefficient in our business we might lose your bags and it’s not our fault. It would be like going to a dentist and paying an extra $100 insurance in case he accidentally pulls out the wrong tooth! Or surgery insurance in case they replace the wrong hip, oops I think they have already done this, but I don’t think they had insurance and got a big pay out. I think they got the big “Sorry about that”.
My favourite story is the water bottle story.
How come water in a water bottle is more expensive than petrol per litre and it falls out of the sky and is ‘free’?
How do we see pass all of these very these very clever illusions to see what really motivates them? How our minds are being manipulated to see the world in a certain way. It keeps you locked into seeing the world a particular way. They pay huge amounts of money on advertising campaigns to lure us into thinking that we really need their products or services and if you do this you will be happy successful and content. Well maybe not content, if you were content they can’t sell you anything.
One of the best examples of this would have to be the huge amount of money and advertising targeting the young girls with clothing. I know young girls who wouldn’t be seen dead in anything that hasn’t got a fashion label on it. I walked through a mall the other day and I ‘m sure just about 70% of the shops were targeted to them. The story read something like this ‘I’m not ok if I don’t wear these clothes people won’t like me. I’m not cool, I am not acceptable.’
This story seems to stick until old age too. I saw a woman about 85-90 dressed up to the tee believing that the way she looks, her image is still so important to be accepted. I’m not saying that dressing up isn’t great and fantastic, some woman just like beautiful clothes, style and colour, and don’t care if people like what they are wearing. I’m just questioning the motives for wearing them. Is it because the women love clothes, colour and fashion or is it how they want to be seen and judged by others? One of these groups of women is definitely marketed to more than the other.
So how can we see past the illusion, what tools do we have? One way to see past it-is not to focus on it, focus on something else. Nature for example, plants, animals, trees, rivers, sea, mountains, and see the beauty. See that they survive without designer jeans, and fancy restaurants and insurance and money.
Another one would be to focus on the poor and needy in the world and how they survive.
There is other one like service to others, Meditation, Qigong and Spiritual practices. These all focus on others and not self.
Change the focus, change the state, and change the awareness.
None of these may sound that flash, but what you get in return, is an extraordinary new life, fuller, richer and more expansive. A view outside of ourselves and our stories that limit us, keep us in their control.
It’s like taking the red pill from the matrix movie.
A world inside a world.
A world hidden by our stories and confining beliefs. A world of vastness, excitement, adventure, a world of unlimiting beliefs, and freedom.
The question is what values, rules and stories may be stopping this?
No Wonder the Kids Don’t Want to Work
I have been talking to young patients lately and was interested in their take of the world. I think the kids of today are a lot more informed than we were in our day, with TV, internet and with our modern sophisticated forms of communication.
The children seem a lot more savvy and up to date with what’s going on in the world. The thing I have noticed the most is the kids ability to say what they like and dislike. I know kids have always got upset or angry when they don’t get their own way, but this is different, this is what they don’t like on a bigger scale outside of their self focused needs.
It’s like a change of consciousness. It’s about how people treat each other, it’s about countries politics, and it’s about people’s power over other people with money. It’s about the manipulation of people, by the people with power. It’s about their views outside of themselves. I’m not saying the kids aren’t still focused of what’s in it for them, I’m just saying I have observed a moving trend of the young people; that they are observing what us grown ups are doing and how we live our lives.
These young people have expressed to me their observation of the adult world, were they spent 12 years at school learning, and not always learning stuff that is ever useful in their lives at all. Then going to university to get a degree on a subject that at 18 they think they want to do, only to discover it’s not really and are stuck with a qualification on a subject they don’t really want to do or alternatively they drop out and do something else.
Then they get a job. A job working for someone else, whose sole goal is for them to work hard and make them lots of money, and for their efforts they get a four week holiday each year. If they work hard hopefully there will be the reward of higher pay and a higher position. Then one day they will start their own business so that they get all the money, but also they get the stress, worry, and long hours. Then a mortgage, children, house, a boat, a holiday home, grow old, retiring and moving into a retirement home. Spend all their money on care when they can’t look after themselves and then die.
So the kids look at our lives and this is the summary.
You are born, taught how to walk, run around, and then at four you are told to sit down and learn. You stay sitting down and learning for the next 17 years until you are 21, then you stand up just to be told to sit down again to work for someone else.
They give you money so you can get a mortgage for 30 years, go fishing during your two week holiday at Christmas, grow old, get put in an old folks home and then die.
The young people look at this and say “Who invented that boring life?”
“What is the other option?”
“What’s plan B? Where is the freedom?”
I have just read this back Oh Dear! it sounds very depressing, so what is the other option?
Who did design this lifestyle?
Who did say this is the way you should live your life?
Whose construction is it?
Who benefits from this life we lead?
It doesn’t seem to be us, when you stand back and look at the big picture. It seems we are manipulated to believing that this is a great life style, something to look forward to. I must admit it seems pretty boring to me too, I’m on the kid’s side.
How can we change it, how can we create a more exciting and adventurous life, how do we have more control?
I can see why the kids don’t want to work.
To go somewhere and work for 40 hours, in a job they may not necessary like or are passionate about and only have a four weeks holiday a year doesn’t sound like freedom to me. I think young adults are starting to see that money to pay bills and a mortgage may not be enough incentive to buy into this lifestyle. More and more of our children are travelling and experiencing the world.
So what is the answer, and as they ask, we may not be able to give them an answer and we may not have worked out how to get out ourselves, and we are doing exactly what they don’t want to do. The Capitalist system has got most people locked into a certain way of life, but the kids can see that only people at the top benefit from that and we are just working for them. As one young adult said to me, “We become slaves to the machine”. Pink Floyd has a song about this called ‘Welcome to the machine’.
It is hard to see this when you are inside the system but the kids ain’t, they are outside looking in. They don’t want to spend their lives locked into a system that doesn’t benefit the whole, they see that hundreds of thousands of people are starving, dying in Africa and the rich could feed all these people-yet they see few doing anything about it. They see people destroying the planet and no one stopping them. They see wars in one country and United Nations helping them, then another country right next door with civil wars and they are not helping them. No wonder the kids are confused. Hey, us adults don’t necessary understand that ourselves.
So what is the answers, what do we tell the young people of this world?
Get a good education, make plenty of money and you will be happy but how many of us can role model that and its workings? I don’t have the answers to this either, I’m still trying to make heads or tails of this myself. I think it has something to do with knowing who you really are, your character, your personality, your shadow, your spiritual gifts, your purpose, and living life to the fullest with Gratitude and Generosity.
Well something like that!
See there was no mention of your job. My take on that is if your occupation is your purpose, you never work a day of your life. So my suggestion, go inspire the kids with the changes in your life, and maybe they won’t spend all their time playing XBox and Playstation, texting, boy racing, getting drunk and stoned, and wondering what the hell its all about!
I want to leave you with this one, I heard if your life was a Playstation game would the kids want to buy it and invite their friends around to play it?
Cheers Pete C.