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Blog 57- Do you give the power of how you feel to someone else?

Why do we give the power of how we feel to someone else?

This is a great and complicated question, which I have been asking myself. If I want somebody to love me, to make me feel wanted, loved and appreciated, respected, accepted, then they become the holder of the keys to whether I feel happy or not. I give them the power, I give them the control. I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want to rely on somebody else loving me for me to feel ok.

What if they are having a bad day, or somebody has been treating them badly or unkind, are they then going to turn around and give you love, kindness and attention? Probably not, they will probably be feeling empty themselves, and now I feel unloved & uncared for because they can’t give me what I want or need.  It doesn’t seem logical to give them my sense of self esteem. To give them the control over that. So whether it is my children or partner or parents, it doesn’t seem like a good idea to give them the power of how I feel.

I can see myself being constantly disappointed hurt and lonely. So how do we take it back, this power we have given away? How do we get back the control of how we feel? Easy! Refuse to give the power of how you feel to someone else. Know that you are the only person that is in charge of how you feel. Start loving yourself, love your character, love the different parts of your personality – love your body as it is the one you where given, love your own style, love your creativity, love your sense of humour, love the food you like. But most of all love and accept the things you don’t like about yourself. The inner child that’s spits the dummy when you don’t get what you want or feel put down or rejected, or ignored and love the part of you who reacts to these things by attacking the person who makes you feel like that. Or the person who makes you react like that.

Even though on a higher level, nobody can make you do anything, it’s your reaction to them, your choice. Nobody can make you angry, you make yourself angry, or you react angrily to them. Love the part that judges other actions, love the part that judges your own actions, love the part of you that sometimes wishes everyone would just go away.

It is often the things we don’t tolerate in others because we don’t tolerate them in ourselves.

It is hard to love ourselves unconditional even though we want others to accept and love us unconditionally. Maybe if we could love ourselves unconditionally then we wouldn’t judge ourselves.

I have observed this myself and in my own actions, that the more I accept myself for who I really am, the good and the not so good bits and see them as not good or bad but just parts of my personality, and that I’m not perfect; then the judgement of others has subsided and the acceptance of others has grown. I realise we are all just doing the best we can in the chaos, and because we are all so different from each other, how can I judge another anyway?

It’s like comparing apples and a grapes, they are both fruits. But that’s about all.

So now I take back the power of how I feel, I have the choice and I feel a little more content.

Cheers Pete C

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Blog 56 – What’s the Problem?

I was brought up thinking problems are a negative thing, but now as an adult I have to wonder is that true? Sometimes the times of my biggest problems have also been the times of my biggest growth. From the problem, to a solution, to change, to growth.

I’m not saying that you should consciously invite problems into your life, I don’t think we have to worry about that – I think they are coming already whether you want them or not.

Imagine a world without problems, perfect job, perfect partner, perfect kids, and the perfect life. The novelty would be ok for a while and then guess what would happen?

Yes boredom.

If everything was that perfect it would drive you insane.

Heavens, I’m a man, I wouldn’t have anything to fix, no problems to solve. As I say it, it maybe ok for awhile but eventually it would drive me crazy just sitting twiddling my thumbs.

In life there seems to be a cycle: from the problem, to the solution to change and then change creates more problems and so it goes on.

It is hard to see the positive in some problems, but why did we get this problem in the first place? Maybe it is the solution that is the problem, we may not like the way it has to be resolved. So maybe we need to create better quality problems.

Examples of quality problems are:

Starting a new job, or starting a new family, or a new relationship, moving house or flats. Leaving a relationship or having to confront somebody or communicate with somebody who is difficult to talk to; and one of the major growth quality problems is asking somebody for help.  These problems are opportunities to grow, they are advantageous problems.

Safe problems are within our control. Like depression, putting things off, food & addictions, hesitation, blaming others for your troubles, avoiding making decisions, withdrawing from relationships. (Some of these I got from Anthony Robbins). Safe problems seem to be safe but they are really keeping us from emotions and fear we try to avoid.  But of course the safe problems cause more pain & hardship than quality problems. Sometimes we will create a safe problem that’s in our control to cover up a problem which we don’t have control of. Such as drinking alcohol, instead of dealing with the quality problem of not being happy in a relationship.

I see problems as a gift, the gift to discover the meaning behind them.

Problems have power.

Problems create movement.

They sometimes involve stepping up, getting out of our comfort zones.

Excelling, courage, determination, great thought processes, self discovery, will power, bravery, creativity, resolve, speaking your truth speaking out, being seen, these all seem pretty good outcomes to me.

Pushing through the resistance to the problem.

It always seems to be a bit of a challenge but it builds character.

Builds muscles.

So roll on the problems, quality problems. Roll on the growth, roll on the adventure.

Cheers Pete C.

 

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Blog 55

You have to have a vehicle to get out

Get out of what, that’s a good question, what are we in that we need to get out of anyway? What I’m meaning is getting out of seeing life a certain way. Seeing life through our own story of what we think life is about or see life through our glasses, through our filter, through our beliefs. You might ask what’s wrong with that, and the answer is nothing; the only problem is that everybody else has a different pair of glasses on. So their story of how life is, is different to yours. Now the question is, is there a right or wrong way to see life or is it just our personal view we only see? It seems hard to see someone else’s ‘point of view’ when it comes from what we think they mean, as we are not in their head or shoes. It reminds me of an exercise we did once on one of my Taiji Retreats. We were on the beach and we made foot prints in the sand and then someone else walked on your foot prints. It was a weird experience, to walk in someone else’s footsteps. It was like discovering a different aspect of the other person we didn’t know. It felt strange-it was like living in someone else’s life. It made me think how different we all see the world.

 

So back to the vehicles. What vehicle or process or practice, or teaching can we employ to help break free from our stories? Our stories about life that might be limiting us, about money, about success and happiness. About what a good relationship looks like, about what good parents look like, how good friends should act, or what good leaders act like.

About what money is for or what children are for or what Governments and politics are for? What armies and churches are for? What school teachers are for? What wars are for?

We may have stories about what we are here for, our purpose, our gifts. But are any of these true or did we just make up all these points of view, ideals, beliefs, opinions? Or did we as children just agree with what other people told us or taught us, or role modelled to us? People like our parents, relatives and teachers etc.

So who are we under these stories?

What do we really feel like? What do we really like and dislike?

If there were no people in the world, what would you act like, what would you do as an occupation?

How important would money be?

I better get my pilots licence or I wouldn’t be able to travel which I love.

Mind you, I could drive a boat; it might just take me a while to get to Europe though.

But this is not the vehicle I’m talking about either.

It is the vehicle to see past our stories of how we think life should be. How do we see past the capitalist system and see the control it has over people, see past the consumerism where people try to convince you that you need to buy things to be happy. To see past owning your own home is one of the major goals in life which is driven by the banks, so you pay them interest for 30 or even more years. And banks are owned by very wealthy people and they use the magic words ‘Its security’.

Security from what? Ask the people in Christchurch if they feel secure in their homes or what about another group of interesting people who use ‘fear’ to advertise their business. ‘You could lose all your precious stuff. Something could happen to your car or your house, your camera, your phone. So you better give us large quantities of your money and we will protect you.’ But when something happens we will try to find every loop hole or cause, not to pay you.

It’s like travel insurance, insurance for you or your lost bags. You pay them money to transport yourself and your bags to a destination and they lose your bags and it’s not their fault. Yeah right! You better pay us flight insurance as we are so inefficient in our business we might lose your bags and it’s not our fault. It would be like going to a dentist and paying an extra $100 insurance in case he accidentally pulls out the wrong tooth! Or surgery insurance in case they replace the wrong hip, oops I think they have already done this, but I don’t think they had insurance and got a big pay out. I think they got the big “Sorry about that”.

My favourite story is the water bottle story.

How come water in a water bottle is more expensive than petrol per litre and it falls out of the sky and is ‘free’?

How do we see pass all of these very these very clever illusions to see what really motivates them? How our minds are being manipulated to see the world in a certain way. It keeps you locked into seeing the world a particular way. They pay huge amounts of money on advertising campaigns to lure us into thinking that we really need their products or services and if you do this you will be happy successful and content. Well maybe not content, if you were content they can’t sell you anything.

One of the best examples of this would have to be the huge amount of money and advertising targeting the young girls with clothing. I know young girls who wouldn’t be seen dead in anything that hasn’t got a fashion label on it. I walked through a mall the other day and I ‘m sure just about 70% of the shops were targeted to them. The story read something like this ‘I’m not ok if I don’t wear these clothes people won’t like me. I’m not cool, I am not acceptable.’

This story seems to stick until old age too. I saw a woman about 85-90 dressed up to the tee believing that the way she looks, her image is still so important to be accepted. I’m not saying that dressing up isn’t great and fantastic, some woman just like beautiful clothes, style and colour, and don’t care if people like what they are wearing. I’m just questioning the motives for wearing them. Is it because the women love clothes, colour and fashion or is it how they want to be seen and judged by others? One of these groups of women is definitely marketed to more than the other.

 

So how can we see past the illusion, what tools do we have? One way to see past it-is not to focus on it, focus on something else. Nature for example, plants, animals, trees, rivers, sea, mountains, and see the beauty. See that they survive without designer jeans, and fancy restaurants and insurance and money.

Another one would be to focus on the poor and needy in the world and how they survive.

There is other one like service to others, Meditation, Qigong and Spiritual practices. These all focus on others and not self.

Change the focus, change the state, and change the awareness.

None of these may sound that flash, but what you get in return, is an extraordinary new life, fuller, richer and more expansive. A view outside of ourselves and our stories that limit us, keep us in their control.

It’s like taking the red pill from the matrix movie.

A world inside a world.

A world hidden by our stories and confining beliefs. A world of vastness, excitement, adventure, a world of unlimiting beliefs, and freedom.

The question is what values, rules and stories may be stopping this?

Cheers,

Pete C

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Blog 54

No Wonder the Kids Don’t Want to Work

I have been talking to young patients lately and was interested in their take of the world. I think the kids of today are a lot more informed than we were in our day, with TV, internet and with our modern sophisticated forms of communication.

The children seem a lot more savvy and up to date with what’s going on in the world. The thing I have noticed the most is the kids ability to say what they like and dislike. I know kids have always got upset or angry when they don’t get their own way, but this is different, this is what they don’t like on a bigger scale outside of their self focused needs.

It’s like a change of consciousness.  It’s about how people treat each other, it’s about countries politics, and it’s about people’s power over other people with money. It’s about the manipulation of people, by the people with power.  It’s about their views outside of themselves. I’m not saying the kids aren’t still focused of what’s in it for them, I’m just saying I have observed a moving trend of the young people; that they are observing what us grown ups are doing and how we live our lives.

These young people have expressed to me their observation of the adult world, were they spent 12 years at school learning, and not always learning stuff that is ever useful in their lives at all. Then going to university to get a degree on a subject that at 18 they think they want to do, only to discover it’s not really and are stuck with a qualification on a subject they don’t really want to do or alternatively they drop out and do something else.

Then they get a job. A job working for someone else, whose sole goal is for them to work hard and make them lots of money, and for their efforts they get a four week holiday each year.  If they work hard hopefully there will be the reward of higher pay and a higher position. Then one day they will start their own business so that they get all the money, but also they get the stress, worry, and long hours. Then a mortgage, children, house, a boat, a holiday home, grow old, retiring and moving into a retirement home.  Spend all their money on care when they can’t look after themselves and then die.

So the kids look at our lives and this is the summary.

You are born, taught how to walk, run around, and then at four you are told to sit down and learn. You stay sitting down and learning for the next 17 years until you are 21, then you stand up just to be told to sit down again to work for someone else.

They give you money so you can get a mortgage for 30 years, go fishing during your two week holiday at Christmas, grow old, get put in an old folks home and then die.

The young people look at this and say “Who invented that boring life?”

“What is the other option?”

“What’s plan B? Where is the freedom?”

I have just read this back Oh Dear! it sounds very depressing, so what is the other option?

Who did design this lifestyle?

Who did say this is the way you should live your life?

Whose construction is it?

Who benefits from this life we lead?

It doesn’t seem to be us, when you stand back and look at the big picture. It seems we are manipulated to believing that this is a great life style, something to look forward to. I must admit it seems pretty boring to me too, I’m on the kid’s side.

How can we change it, how can we create a more exciting and adventurous life, how do we have more control?

I can see why the kids don’t want to work.

To go somewhere and work for 40 hours, in a job they may not necessary like or are passionate about and only have a four weeks holiday a year doesn’t sound like freedom to me. I think young adults are starting to see that money to pay bills and a mortgage may not be enough incentive to buy into this lifestyle. More and more of our children are travelling and experiencing the world.

 

So what is the answer, and as they ask, we may not be able to give them an answer and we may not have worked out how to get out ourselves, and we are doing exactly what they don’t want to do. The Capitalist system has got most people locked into a certain way of life, but the kids can see that only people at the top benefit from that and we are just working for them.  As one young adult said to me, “We become slaves to the machine”. Pink Floyd has a song about this called ‘Welcome to the machine’.

It is hard to see this when you are inside the system but the kids ain’t, they are outside looking in. They don’t want to spend their lives locked into a system that doesn’t benefit the whole, they see that hundreds of thousands of people are starving, dying in Africa and the rich could feed all these people-yet they see few doing anything about it. They see people destroying the planet and no one stopping them. They see wars in one country and United Nations helping them, then another country right next door with civil wars and they are not helping them. No wonder the kids are confused. Hey, us adults don’t necessary understand that ourselves.

So what is the answers, what do we tell the young people of this world?

Get a good education, make plenty of money and you will be happy but how many of us can role model that and its workings? I don’t have the answers to this either, I’m still trying to make heads or tails of this myself. I think it has something to do with knowing who you really are, your character, your personality, your shadow, your spiritual gifts, your purpose, and living life to the fullest with Gratitude and Generosity.

Well something like that!

See there was no mention of your job. My take on that is if your occupation is your purpose, you never work a day of your life. So my suggestion, go inspire the kids with the changes in your life, and maybe they won’t spend all their time playing XBox and Playstation, texting, boy racing, getting drunk and stoned, and wondering what the hell its all about!

I want to leave you with this one, I heard if your life was a Playstation game would the kids want to buy it and invite their friends around to play it?

Cheers Pete C.

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Blog 53

Tough love part 3

Discipline and Boundaries

I have observed one of the most interesting trends these days, is that parents let their children do anything they like, and give them whatever they want. This seems on paper a good thing; this will grow independence, self esteem, they can make decisions for themselves, but the truth is it seems to have a few major draw backs. One of these is that when you ask the child to do something they don’t especially want to do, they don’t do it even if it involves their own safety. Young children don’t have much awareness of perceived danger as they don’t have the wisdom of age on their side. This can prove difficult if what you want them to do would prevent placing themselves in danger and they don’t listen to you. Children generally don’t have the discernment of an adults experience to make informed choices, especially as that in this stage of their development they are still in the primal stage of ‘It’s all about me and getting what I want stage, getting my needs met.’

I have witnessed parents pleading with their children, trying to get them to do something and the child ignoring them, or kids that know if they make enough noise they will get what ‘they want’ in the end. I have heard parents say ‘no you can’t have those lollies and watched the kid scream, stomp their feet, throw tantrums and then watched the parent give in and give them the lollies. What message is that giving the child?

If you make a lot of noise and create a big scene then you will get what you want?

How many times as an adult does this sort of behaviour get you results?

It would get you some attention but may not get you what you want.

We as adults may have learnt how to say how we feel but as a child does not necessarily know how they feel, except cold hungry and tired, let alone express inner feelings in words. So this leads into the next subject which involves boundaries:

The great debate about boundaries.

Too firm and the kids can’t move, too loose and the kids are out of control.

Where is the magic happy medium?

Now one of the ways a child can get attention is to misbehave. ‘Any attention is better than none’, theory. I think sometimes we give way to much credit for a child to actually know what we are saying, let alone know what we really mean, as they haven’t had the wisdom of life experience and understanding. They are still in the conscious level of wanting love, food, sleep and what is it that makes me feel happy. Not understanding the consequences of their actions or even knowing what that even really means.

Boundaries where is the happy medium?

Is there such a place? We have already talked about that every child is different so the the boundaries must be different. It’s logic to presume they are, but maybe we need to firstly discuss what the boundaries are really for. It might not be just to keep the children uunder control or safe maybe it is for the child’s own feeling of security, confidence and self acceptance?

I have witnessed the parenting style of very strict discipline and boundaries. I have watched the child fall into two distinct behaviour patterns. The first is the “Conformer Child,” this is the child that does everything to please their parents to get love and acceptance. This creates an interesting dynamic with these children the old ‘If I’m good I get love, if I’m bad I get rejected’. This is linked as the origin of the ‘people pleaser’. This is the ‘If I’m good to people, they will like me scenario, but remember what really drives this is the need to be loved and accepted. Pretty much the basic need of all humanity. Now the other pattern is the “Rebel’ this is the f…k you I will do it my own way. You don’t know what I need, you are wrong; I know what is right for me.

Boy, we know what this child looks like.

But there is a beautiful piece of truth in this and that this character just wants to stand up and tell people how they feel. This is great. The problem is that it comes from a child with little or no life experience and understanding of consequence. This child has no awareness of how the human race communicates, compromises and conforms to basic moral codes of human relationships; so that there is peace and harmony in the world.

The children don’t have a sense of the need for respect for everyone’s differences so we can cohabitate as a species in this world, but you have to wonder when you look at some countries around the world whether the adults have got this yet either!

If we look at countries, they have boundaries or borders and these are to keep the people safe, not only to stop people getting in, but also to stop the people getting out.

Here is an interesting fact, in America the “land of the so called free” that a huge percentage, I’m not sure of the exact percentage but definitely over 60 percent have never been out of their own state and that something like 95% Americans don’t have a passport, they just don’t travel.  What belief or story has created this mindset?

The land of the free but they don’t venture out?

So back to setting child boundaries.

I heard one parent say if you are too hard on your kids and set boundaries the child won’t like you. When was it ever the goal of parenting to get your children to like you?  I think now with a bit of time and wisdom behind me it’s about helping the child’s needs, when they are unable to attend to themselves.  To feed, cloth, keep warm, dry, help when sick, to love, educate and teach the child ways of the world.  To teach them how to survive and then set them free to have their own life experience. With a good set of moral codes, confidence, and independence; a good sense of the world and awareness of our society. Being your child’s primary support person always offering them the open door if they ever need help or support in their younger days after they have left the nest.  As they get older they need less and less support as their own wisdom and life experience grows.  They will always have love and respect for the people who raised, cared for them and helped them in their younger years.  Parents will always love and support their children as they brought them in to this world and have an energetic connection to them.

No, unfortunately this is not a perfect world. I know this is not necessary so in many cases. Boundaries keep a child safe but not necessary in the way you may think.

I had a wise man explain it to me one day like this:

There is an Island which was flat on top and it has high cliffs all around it.

The parents and the child are in the centre of the Island.  If there are no boundaries the child ventures out, but not too far for the fear of the unknown constantly checking with the parent on how far they can go. Constantly checking where the parents say “no”. So everywhere from here to where my parent says “no” is safe.  If the parent doesn’t say no or the boundaries aren’t firm the child does not feel safe.  So they keep pushing trying to find where the boundaries are.  So in theory the fewer boundaries and discipline, the less secure they feel.  So if the parent put a big high strong fence up around the cliff top the child knows where the boundary is and it’s solid. They now can be free to move, play and venture inside these boundaries.  This in fact gives the child more freedom than having no boundaries.

I love the concept of this and understand the methodology.

I believe boundaries and discipline are so important, basically to save the child from themselves as they don’t have the understanding, wisdom and foresight to know what they are really doing.  I’m not saying that there aren’t some very wise children, but they are naïve in the world and need educating, protection and sometimes protection from their own ignorance; no matter how much they think they know everything.

We never want to dampen there enthusiasm, just guide and direct them subtly with love and understanding.

I hope some of these ideas will help you as parents.  They are just some ideas I have picked up along the way of being a parent.

Cheers Pete C.